My Rants...

It seems that everything has to happen all at once. I feel like I get my feet kicked out from under me and right when I get back on my feet I get them kicked out again. I am constantly falling flat on my ass. I just hope that I can muster up what it takes to keep getting up. So, I finally found out what has been causing most of my health problems. Surgery is in order and of course that carries a nice little price tag of $600. Oh and it is 2 days after Christmas. Christmas is a whole different issue. Buying gifts for 5 kids gets expensive real quick. So, this year it will be a small Christmas in the gift department. The gifts aren’t what matters though and we are stressing that this year. It is all about spending the time with the family. They seem to be getting that for the most part. So on top of all of this one kid has a birthday so we threw a party. Our car goes into the shop and yeah…. the transmission is going out. Basically now we need a new car, which we needed anyway due to the growing family, but we aren’t financially ready to buy a new car. Stressed about money more then usual…..

Why does it seem that no matter how hard I try it is never enough? I am constantly in a state of inadequecy. I was in this deep dark place, my own torturous hell for so long. I fought to see the light for years. I thought that just a glimpse would be enough so I would know that I’m not alone. Then one day this bright light appeared out of nowhere. It cut through the darkness and fog and brought light into my world. Now it seems like that light is flickering. I’m not ready to give it up! I’m not sure if the wind is trying to blow it out or if someone is trying to extinguish it. All I know is that I am going to fight to keep that light in my life. I don’t want to walk around in the dark again. I don’t want to feel like i’m not good enough. The feeling of being unwanted is almost unbearable. I have felt it so many times over my life. Now that I can see my life clearly I don’t want to put a blindfold back on. That is what my life felt like before you, my light, came into it. Please don’t extinguish my light!

Even though life can be crazy stressful and hectic at times… I know that I will always have you to rely on. You are my best friend. I know that at times I can be a pain. Just know that deep down I love you! I don’t mean to be a pain… Sometimes I just don’t know how to process things and I lash out. I am working on it though. You mean the world to me and I don’t want to upset you in anyway. I love you so very much and in a way that I have never felt before. You are my knight in shining armor. You are my happily ever after!

I always thought that I knew what real love felt like… then I met you. I have never felt this deeply about someone. I have this deep respect for you not as just my husband, but as my best friend, my confidant, my equal. My love for you is from this mature place. This is not your average puppy love. I want to stand by your side through all of life’s ups and downs. I want and need you to be there next to me. I need you to hold me up when I can’t stand, to hold me tight when I need comfort, and to hold my hand through all of our journeys. You are not just my husband… you are my everything! You are my TRUE LOVE!!!!!!

     OK so apparently this is bothering me more then I thought that it would.  So, I figure that if I get it all out on here I can let it go…      Let’s just start this by saying that i’m not normally a jealous person and i’m not sure if this is 100% jealousy.      This whole thing began in the beginning of the year when my now husband, Mike, was dating this chick named Tasha.  Well, Tasha did not care for my friendship Mike (rightfully so).  At this time though Mike and I had stopped all of our affection for each other and were just friends. (no matter how much it killed me to do so) I was truly just trying to be the best friend that I could to him.  See we had something there for a brief moment before he was dating Tasha, but it wasn’t the right time and we had ended it way before he started dating her.  Well, apparently Tasha had found out about our previous affections and asked him to not have any contact with me at all.  So one day I got a text or call…I can’t remember.  I do remember the gist of the conversation though.  It was along the lines of out of respect for my girlfriend I am asking you to not contact me or come to my place of business.  (which was the local tattoo shop that well… my nephews frequented all the time)  He went as far as deleting me off of facebook and just completely ignoring me.  I at the time understood why he was doing this, but also thought that it was pretty dick of him since we were just friends and I was going to respect that completely.  I have never admitted this to anyone, but I actually cried after that conversation.  I considered him a really good friend and it really hurt.       Well, time went by and I would see him in town or at the gym and I would do my best to look away.  Kind of hard when you really do have feelings for someone.  I just buried those feelings and I have to be honest I did a pretty good job of pretending like he didn’t exist.  Out of the blue he waved to me one day and my heart jumped, but I just ignored it completely.  I was still pretty hurt and I didn’t want to revisit those wounds.  Oh did I mention that I am a police officer in the town that he worked in so I literally saw him all the time.  Anyways… I received a text one day from him apologizing for being a dick and he said that him and Tasha had broken up.  Well…. my heart was doing a dance, but my brain told it to stop and reminded it of the hurt that it had felt when it came to him.       So, Mike started dating this other chick and we just were friends.  I was doing the single thing and having fun.  Deep inside though I had these feelings for Mike that I just kept hidden.  He told me that he just wanted to be friends so I did my best to just be friends with him.  Time goes by and things didn’t work with that girl and we started spending more and more time together.       Fast forward months and we are now happily married and I don’t have to hide my feelings for him that have done nothing but grow over time.  So, here is where I get to the issue at hand.  We are going out to eat Halloween night and Mike drops a sob story on me about how this guy named Jason (Tasha’s ex husband and still roommate) had his dog die. (I’m a huge animal lover) And how it has been Jason and Tasha’s dog forever and they are crying and upset and want tattoos in memorial of the dog.  Mike asked me if I was OK with that and that his employee Miles would be the one tattooing Tasha out of respect for me and just the fact that it was his ex and he didn’t want drama.  Me being me said that it was OK and it is.  Well, there is something about this Tasha girl that just pisses me off.  And it probably has everything to do with the fact that she didn’t want Mike and me to have any contact what so ever.  So, I just had this feeling that she would end up doing anything that she could to get Mike to tattoo her just out of spite or whatever.  Well, yesterday they came in for their tattoos and Miles was busy so of course Mike had to tattoo her.  So, me being a female and a cop I got nosey and went on her facebook page and fucking of course she still has pictures of her and Mike together on her profile pics.  I got so infuriated!       I know that Mike would never cheat on me.  He is extremely loyal and has always been that way.  I just know women like Tasha and they are sneaky, manipulative, and vindictive bitches.  I don’t trust her at all! Why on earth would you still have pictures of you together on your page if you claim to be over someone and have moved on?  Plus it’s not like they are friends.  They never talk as far as I know.  I just have this feeling that she is not completely over him and is going to try to do something to damage our relationship.  I hope that she doesn’t try for her sake.  Mike and I have a very honest relationship and it is strongly based with our friendship.  My husband would never cheat on me, I just don’t want her to try and make him upset by him having to be mean to someone.  He hates conflict and doesn’t like to be the “asshole”, but I know him and if she does try anything to hurt our marriage he will be the “asshole” and he will be upset about having to do that.       I just had to get out my feelings and thoughts about this.  Mike is the sweetest, kindest, most amazing man, with the biggest heart and I don’t want to see him upset.  I thought that it was amazing that he even asked my feelings and thoughts about the whole thing with her.  Then he was worried that I would be upset by him having to tattoo her.  I don’t want to be the jealous person that freaks out over stupid shit.  For some reason this just seemed to bother me more then I thought it would.  Now that I have written it all out it doesn’t seem to bother me much anymore.  I’ll definitely get past it, but I’ll still keep an eye out for her.  My gut instinct is almost always right and there is just something deceitful about her…

I’m drowning in my fears as you wipe away your tears Why did I let you tear us apart? Don’t you know that you have shattered my heart? All the times we shared it’s like you never cared I can’t believe that you are done Don’t you remember that time that we had fun? You made me smile, laugh, and cry Now I don’t even get a goodbye I’ll miss you, my youth… For I have woken up and gotten old

OK so I only have two days left as a non married woman and I’m not going to miss it! I have been frantic lately trying to make sure that everything gets done. I finished my vows tonight and it only took 6 drafts. Things are finally coming together. I still have some things to do like get the boys outfits, but it will get done in time. (I hope) I am looking forward to becoming a Mrs. in just a matter of days.

Tonight has just reiterated to me that life is so precious. A man decided to take his life tonight and left behind a wake of despair. This was a reminder to me that life is too short and sometimes you take things and people for granted. I refuse to let the people that I care about go one day without knowing how I feel. To my Mom who has always been there for me… who took me in when I wasn’t wanted. I want to say thank you for raising me to be this independent, confident and beautiful woman. You have shown me unconditional love and support and I am truly grateful. To my children who look up to me for everything… I promise to try my hardest to teach you to reach your fullest potential. I love you two more then I ever thought possible! To my friends that I hold dear… Thank you for all the memories made and for all the memories that are left to be made. Life would be boring without you. To my best friend, partner, lover, and very soon my husband… I want to thank you for restoring my faith in love. You are my heart. I am completely lost in your arms and I never want to break free. You have been my constant and I just hope that I am yours. I cannot wait to see what our future holds cause our journey together is just beginning. Life has its up and downs that will never change. It is what you do during those times that make you who you are. I will continue to push on and never give up and just lay down on the tracks…